The New chelsea FAN..!!

hear.. hear.. 

the latter part of the 08-09 season hasnt been a dream run for our beloved club...

all this and much more has deeply affected the psyche of some of our NEW "football-challenged" fans... 

sell player x.y and z and bring in a,b and c.. happens to be the new sanjivini booty (booty- the hindi word.. not english) for all problems... While I agree that some of it is necessary.. A whole-sale change.. is well a bit foolish. But whos is to argue with the MIGHT OF CASUAL FAN...???

SO.. presenting to.. the all and sundry, the rant of the "blue pirate" the "blue messiah" the 'bluezzz rulezzz" in short.. the rant of the new fan fed on an endless diet of FIFA 09/ FM.. wanting to take the club to new heights-

Oh, we are doomed!! Our game plan has been figured out, our squad is weak mentally and we will not win another game this season.

Relegation is a certainty.

Our squad is simply CRAP. FACT

Lets review the players individually:

1. Cech - Ever since his moment of stupidity cost him his skull, he hasn't been the same. Commits blunders too often, especially in crucial games. How many points has he cost us? Also cost us the CL with his sucky penalty saving skills. He is a severe liability and must be replaced with a genuine world class keeper (e.g Buffon, Casillas, Reina ) as soon as possible.

2. Ivanovic- Player who lacks drive. He seems content to sit on the bench. If he wasn't he would have publicly criticized the management by now. Do we need this sort of unambitious players at our club? NO

3. Cole - His crossing is some of the worst I've ever seen. He is also beaten defensively easily by the likes of Pennant. Ugh. He is also a horrible human being with no ethics. 

5. Essien- His pathetic marking of Ronaldo cost us the CL. He is also a dirty player. Remember that horrendous challenge on Hamann? That deserved life imprisonment. Also his goal per minute ratio is absolutely pathetic for a midfielder. In the end, he is simply not good enough for our illustrious club.

6. Carvalho- Prone to stupid errors. Example: The backpass against United that let Rooney through. Also, too injury prone which forces us to shuffle our defence too much.

8. Lampard- Hmm. Where do I start? There is so much wrong with him that I don't have the fingers to count them. Still , I will list diligently list down his most glaring faults:

a) He is fat. Not only does this restrict his mobility, it also makes him a bad role model. After all, fat people suck. FACT

b) He is only interested in scoring. However, he is a midfielder. He neglects many crucial aspects such as passing and tackling. On the rare occasions that he does pass or tackle, he screws up horribly. For someone only interested in scoring, he scores too little. Only 20 goals a season? Bah. My dog could do better.

c) He only scores deflections. Seriously, all his goals are lucky and fluky. He has never scored a good goal in his life. He can only score in the six yard box and with the ball bouncing of 6 players enroute to the goal. As everyone knows, goals are worthless unless they are works of art.

d) He is overpaid and selfish. While he is enjoying himself with his dirty Russian money, there are starving children worldwide. Does he donate all his money to them? No. Therefore, he is a horrible human being.

e) His set plays suck. His corners don’t get past the first man and his free kicks invariably hit the wall or hit Row Z. We should get Ashley Young to take the set pieces instead.

9) Di Santo- Best player at our club.

10) Cole- Sucky "winger" with no pace or finishing skill. Donovan is so much better in all respects. He doesn;t contribute to our play, hardly scores, gets injured often, the list goes on........ One world can describe him : USELESS

11) Drogba- Gets suspended often for his foolish actions. He also cost us the CL by getting himself sent off. He has never achieved anything of note here apart from one average season when he scored 30+ fluky goals which required no skill. Also, injury prone.

12) Mikel- Immature fool who tackles stupidly and gets himself sent off every other game. Also, his play in the final third sucks. His shooting sucks. His passing sucks. His defending sucks. His haircut sucks. Everything about him screams SUCK

13) Ballack- The laziest player in the world. Saunters around the field putting in no effort whatsoever. Everything I watch him, I shout at the TV . My words : Get off your f**king a** and get running , you f**king f**ker. Also injury prone (as everyone is) . Also overpaid . We definitely paid too much for him two years ago,

15) Malouda – Clueless French git. Can’t cross. Can’t shoot. Can’t pass. Can’t run. Can’t play football. Ship him out and replace him with Ashley Young..

16) Sinclair- 2nd best player at our club

17) Bosingwa- We overpaid for him big time. He is suspect defensively and this has cost us many goals. Also, his crossing is almost as bad as Cole’s . Nothing more than Cole Mark II. Since he is like Cole in almost every aspect on the pitch, it is logical to claim that he also behaves like Cole off the pitch. Therefore, he is a horrible human being.

Also, his driving sucks. 

18 )Bridge - I know most of you love him for the goal against Arsenal . I’m sorry to say that I have analyzed it thoroughly and can state that the seemingly brilliant strike was actually a mishit cross and therefore should have been disallowed . His defending also sucks as can be seen from his inept performance against Croatia. It is entirely his fault that his country failed to qualify for Euro 2008 . He has also missed two crucial penalties for 

us that ultimately cost us the shootout. I hate him and you should to. 

19) Ferriera- Useless tosser. Has he ever done anything of note of us? Has he ever not screwed up in a match? Answer: Resounding NO. Get rid of him, I say.

20) Deco- Diving cheater. Also, his scoring ratio is even worse than Lampard and Essien which is certainly saying something. Not good enough for us which was clear at the very beginning. Why we buy useless outcasts like him is beyond me? He is also unpatriotic and has committed treason. Though he is a Brazillian, he chose to play for Portugal Unforgivable. 

21) Kalou- Very inconsistent. On some days, he is sucky and on other days, he is very sucky. His decision making and finishing are among the suckiest I’ve ever seen. Should get a job cleaning toilets. The sucky atmosphere there must be suitable for his sucky brain.

23) Cudicini- My criticisms of him are similar to my criticisms of Ivanovic. So look over there. Added note : poor at crosses.

26) Terry- THIS F**KER COST US THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE!!!. HOW COULD HE MISS THAT PENALTY ??? THANKS TO THIS IDIOT, WE WILL NEVER WIN THE CL EVER!!! WHY DID HE SLIP??? DID ANYONE ELSE SLIP ??? NO!!!

Also, performs dirty tackles too often and starts harassing the ref at every little decision that doesn’t go his way. CAPTAIN, MY A**E !!! More like BULLYING THUG. 

Also unpatriotic as he feigns injury to avoid playing for his country. 

Really, the club should burn his contract with immediate effect. Burn his contract. BURN HIS CONTRACT !. BURN HIS CONTRACT!! BBBBUUUUUURRRNN HHIIIIIISSS CCOONNNTRRRACCTT!!!

27) Mineiro- If he was good, he’d start for Brazil. He doesn’t start for Brazil. Therefore, he isn’t good.

33) Alex- Goes forward too often and neglects his duties. I always feel like telling him, “ Hey, baldy , you are a GODDAMN DEFENDER. ACT LIKE ONE. 

35) Belletti- Defending sucks (becoming a common theme) . For someone who attacks that much, he gets relatively few goals and assists. All his goals are pathetic flukes.

39) Anelka- Hardly ever scores even though he is a striker. When he does score, his goals are lucky tap ins . Whines a lot about being placed in the wrong position. Big deal. F**ktard, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Also has no concept of loyalty. He changes clubs as often as the changing of the wind’s direction. How many clubs has he had so far? 10 ? 50? 200? Maybe even more…

40) Hilario – Awful shot stopper. Remember how Flamini scored past him in 06/07. My grandmother could have saved that. Also, absolutely horrendous of crosses. He and Gomes must get along well.

43) Stoch – 3rd best player at our club.

Manager ) Scolari- Clueless tactically inept wanker. He only won the world cup through luck and the huge amounts of talent at his disposal. In fact, he was a failure for not winning it convincingly enough. Beating Turkeylace> 1-0? Bah. Turkey sucks. Brazil should be able to thrash them. Failed to win anything with Portugal despite his squad brimming with world-class talent. Now at Chelsea he has already lost three games in a short span of time which used to be unthinkable. Seriously, even Grant was better. 

Whatever his post is) Kenyon- Loves to f**k up transfers and say a lot of stupid thing such as “ Ooh, our squad is good enough and there is no need to buy in Jan” Idiot. I’ve already proven our squad sucks. Maybe if I kill him, I can take his place and buy some world class players to replace the idiots at our club who are disguised as footballers. 

Boss) Abramovich- A member of the mafia and has obtained his money through illegal methods. Should receive the death penalty for his oppression of the people. The day he came to our club was the worst day in our history. Now, our club has been tainted can never be cured from this Russian malady. All the money paid to our useless players is dirty money which should not be worth anything at all.

Conclusion : We need a total revamp of our squad .

Solution :

We need to buy players quickly. 

I would buy Casillas, Buffon, Vidic , Ferdinand, Carragher, Evra, Zambrotta, Nesta, Arbeloa, Sagna and Toure to bolster our defence.

Also , Ashley Young.

For the midfield, I would purchase Van der Vaart, Carrick, Gerrard, Geovanni, Nani, Hleb, Arteta, Frings , Robben and Ashley Young.

Did I mention we need to buy Ashley Young?

For the striking department, Robinho, Zaki, Tevez and Donovan would be good buys.

I wish to state once again that we must buy Ashley Young.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

All my points above are FACT and if you disagree, you are a clueless ************ and should go stuff yourself into a fridge.

Rantings #1

hi.. wats up with all u guys/gals..??

Does all the maddening rush for a few cushioned seats in fewer PG institutes making ur brain go all woozzy...?? want do really chill out..?? do u want to make it all go away.. by reading something soothing, relaxing and funny..??

THEN WAT THE F*** ARE U DOING HERE..??

go read some obscure poem about fluffy bunnies and ponies and 'oh cho chweet babies'..
This is The Count's rant.. and it might turn out nasty..

So.. as The Count was returning to his home there was this huge marching parade thingy going on, celebrating 'janma-ashtmi' blocking a full road.. with loud-ass speakers and slow moving trucks.. and a lot of people wearing saffron.. not to mention.. followed by a big traffic jam causing many honks and fuel guzzling vehicles puffing out smoke.

Now.. now.. The Count is not an atheist per se.. but it is this phony excuse of a religious celebration that pisses his nerves off..hell it is almost as bad as people asking u questions with blatant obvious answers, like-

"oh.. so u r wearing a green shirt.."

"NO Sir.. u see it is a very cute shade of emerald and having about 1/100th of a yellow effect.. so no.. it not a green shirt.."- is The Count's response as beating people over the head is not yet legalized..

Ok.. back to the relevant topic.. so.. watsupwith all this stupid big ceremonies celebrating a faith that is supposed to be spiritual and 'satvik' in its very basic form.. The Count really cant stand these big, lavish spending on the name of 'yagya' or 'pujas'.. ok.. fine.. its not The Count's money that is being spend.. but he feels it should be put to a better use..

4 months ago a mandir close by had a theft of 50 laks.. hard cash.. 50 mthrfuking laks..!! They had 50 laks snoozing in their safes, donated daily by people for a "good" cause while there is a huge pile of beggars comprising little children lining every evening at the mandir's doorstep.. man.. talk about hypocrisy.
Also, as a student of economics (hey.. The Count PASSED.. alright..) it really appals The Count see all the cash lying idle.

Then there is the case of the long all nighters called 'jagarans' who rob all the people nere by of a sound sleep and r rounded up with a real fun show of the main singer acting all dreamy and claming GOD entering him... really.. the GOD..!! the supreme being...

The Count is not making fun of the religion.. He himself believe of a spiritual power.. a God and prays to it in his most dire needs.. (like a day before exam.. or when india/chelsea are losing) and remembers to thank it daily for what it has given to him, but what makes the thing worse is when MAN decides to take the idea about GOD and mould it for his benefit.. with a few of the self proclaimed big daddies of faith start a fight among all the people and tell them what to do/ not to do, just take a look at the works of RSS, VHP and who can forget gujrat..

Why, not just Hinduism.. u can see this for a fact in Islam (sania and skirts, a befuddling fatwa or two every other day), Christianity (banning homo/bisexuality and branding it unnatural.. Who the hell gave them the right to declare what is natural) and every other religion..

These are mainly the reasons The Count dont follow the orthodox way of praying.. he does not consider himself as an atheist but he does not follow any one religion too.. cause between every religion, he has find ample reasons to not to follow any one of them..
Peace out..

P.S. Two very awesome hindi movies coming.. this year for which The Count is totally pumped up..

Drona- gonna kick krissh's ass and

Dostana.. The Count hopes for once the issue of homosexuality is handled with dignity in hindi movies.. comedy is good but needless jokes are not welcome..

Lovely vacations..

Hellou reader..

to quote Indy Jones "its been a while"...

April is among d most hated months for The Count... not only does it signal the onset of summer and it also sees the most diabolical strategy planned by the establishment.. examination... which are like garlic to The Count. Believe him.. exams werent The Count's ideas.. but its the little matter of a career, path to high life and certain social norms tht one has to follow by taking the plunge everytime.. this year's reminded The Count of the exams he got stuffed up his *** in std XI (go here fr reference)http://straightedgesahaj.blogspot.com/2007/02/listen-ye-children-for-u-might-fear.html

hufff.... with that aside.. lets talk about sunny things.. ure beloved Count has been lazing around so much tht little spiders have started thinking his body as their home and hav been clinging to their mommies to not to leave if and when they do...

well thats until The Count got a pooch..!! Thats rite.. a month old German Shepard.. the little dude is fantastic..!! Named him scooby (cheezy yes.. but not like say a Tiger or a Tommy).

The Count also watched movies- Iron Man and Prince Caspian.. The Count wud suggest u all to hav a peek.. both are fantastic.. and if u r'nt a movie buff there is plenty of eye candy.. Gweneth Paltrow fr the gents and some luscious boys in Caspian fr the ladies. Apart frm it The Count has been having a keen eye for the colourful cricket the IPL hoping fr a daredevils win.. and there is always the Beautiful game of football.. judgement day is on the 21st of may when the mighty Chelsea FC wud take on the over supported chumps of Manchester united.. The Count could lose his job, lose his girlfriend to his best mate, get diagnosed with cancer (lung, throat and prostate, ALL) and have his house repossessed on the same day and this match with a Chelsea victory would still make his day worth living.

So.. thats hw The Count has been enjoying the few days of freedom.. movies.. videogames.. and pooch scooby. Cometh the June and the bitchin' grind of MBA wud start, its gonna be a CATastrophic year.. my friends..


Hey.. just to change d mood.. heres a short story The Count has written.. nothing Steaphen King like.. just some words due to friction of pen on paper.. feel free to like, love, hate, comment on it.. at least u wud know how The Count wasted his time when u all were battling John Drez and mankiew...

THE DEVIL AND HIS FRIEND

Hi.. I am Devil.. no.. no dont be scared.. its just a bad publicity that makes me look evil..

actually things were not the same always.. Me and my friend, some call him GOD, came together. We both had our temples made and gave equal opportunities to the people to come and visit us. As I said.. 'bad publicity' really diluted my devotee base.. People were far more inclined to visit The God than me.. I felt really pissed off u kno.. !!

As fr him.. my friend.. he had a really wonderful time. But something wasnt right, I sensed it.. there was tension in the air.. well u see he used to grant people wishes on the basis of their righteousness.. their courage.. this made some people, powerful people.. if I may add, veery angry. Therein I pounced.. I decided to grant wishes to the devotees proportionatly to their offerings to me. Soon the no. of my followers increased... I became super popular. Remember my friend..?? well his followers decreased one by one.. now its a miracle if he gets so much as a visit.
My friend survives on my leftovers now...

P.S. The Count is going for a 10 day trip to West Bengal.. the land of lovely ladies..!! (as exemplified by looking at some of his readers) so wish him bon-voyage..!!

HE's BACK...

Greetings.. all.. The Count is back.. after some time to giv those fingers some exercise other than stuffing them in KFC basket...!!! mmmmmmmm.....

So... the first month has been busy.. nasty exams and marks and proving to parents.. stuff and all..

apart from it life has been decent in and around in general...

weather's been awesome.. Some might comment the lack of sunshine giving them the glooms.. but The Count loves and he means LOVES the winters and the romance of misty chilly winds, the chill in the air, the darkness and dampness and the no show of sunlight...

complements his (as some might call) cold blood perfectly...

Now.. the title is not just signalling the return of The Count.. it also acknowledges the return of The Count's screen hero.. the GOD of action, the messiah of mercenaries... "John Rambo.."

JOHN F***ING RAMBO... the name alone makes armies deliver a collective action of pooping in their camoflauged pajamayas..


Its not just a movie.. no.. its more..

The movie 'John Rambo' or 'Rambo 4' or 'Fourth Blood' to some beat The Count to bloody pulp, ripped out his jugular, cutout his intestines, tied him up with them and made him watch this gory voilent and awesome movie and The Count loved every minute of it.!!

This movie is the most kickass movie of all time The story is a little better then part 2 and 3,It`s no First Blood in terms of story but the action was the best of all the Rambo`s, The Count thinks his balls grew an extra pair while watching the movie...

When Rambo ripped a dudes throat and pulled the trachea.. Sweet Jejus.. The Count cried happy tears of joy... This movie was ******* awesome. The Count feels like he can take on a polar bear... Actually, make that 10 polars...

Every man's beard in the theater grew an inch or so.. its so manly..

If your a man go watch this movie to do justice to ur testostrone.. and if u r a girl who's boyfriend hasnt seen the movie.. u ought to think again on his masculanity aspect..


Sylvester Stallone yet again proves he is the MAN.. and that too at the age 62.. about time for him to deliver a true action movie that justifies the genre ACTION... with a good ol' fashioned 80s feel..
So all u pretty boys- the Orlando Blooms, the Brad Pitts, Tom Cruises- et all.. can collectively take a signature Rambo knife up their ***


And keeping the tradition.. here are 13 THINGS LERNT FROM WATCHING JOHN RAMBO..

1- Rambo and tracking dogs do not mix

2- Burmese soldiers will rape on the spot every women they come across except the white beautiful american blond

3- They already have enough cobra. Need python.

4- It rains so much in Thailand and Bumra, people stopped caring and don't use umbrellas anymore

5- White Christian missionaries: it's what's for dinner!

6- When your pushed, killing's as easy as breathing. Except when you breath you don't convert 100 burmese soldiers into hamburger using a 50 caliber anti-aircraft gun.

7- Christian missionaries abhor killing..taking a life is NEVER right. except when it comes to rescuing fellow missionaries, in which case its cool to use donated church money to pay brutal professional killers to go into the burmese military camp and slaughter them.

8- That when being shot by a huge mounted machine gun. It's best advised to stand your ground and take the bullets like a man!

9- Its useless to run from rambo, so its better to stand your ground and get your ass handed to you.

10- The Burmese language is extremely annoying

11- If Rambo say go home, you better listen to him

12- Its more important to save a white christian women than to save Burmese women gangraped on the stage.

13- Fishing usin a bow and arrow gives better result..

P.S. Hey.. to whosoever reading the above haphazard write up.. Please do suggest a topic for The Count's next write up... He is blank on that aspect.. ANY TOPIC..

Teacher... Teacher...

Greetings...

Off late The Count has been feeling a bit bitter (and by biter he doesnt mean that he has been splooshing in karela juice) lately (by late he doesnt mean that he is lying down).....
Though the weather in Delhi has been pleasant... influencing The Count frm spewing his usual quota of venomous words (by that he does not mean that he sollows a king cobra and a comic and spits out word balloons drippin in poison)...

Tell The Count... how'd that feel... felt like hitting ur head with ur keyboard or are u apologizing to your brain for making it read all that???

Now imagine hearing this kind of jibbrish 5 days a week... and not being able to run away, flapping ur arms, from it. Now here is this teacher.. who's intro The Count, after growing up on a staple diet of cartoons, will give in a Captain Planet'esq way-

"The Power of annoying girly giggles"
"The Power of stupid arrogance that no one cares about"
"The Power of CRAP"
"The power of bad PJ's"

(There is a good and a bad PJ.. The Count shud know that.. being a certified PJ God)

"By ur powers combined..... I M the PROFESSORR....."


Yea.. call it The Professorr... who no doubt has great credentials for teaching.. but also has this knack of being annoying in the worst possible way... like the giggles... They look and sound good on pretty girls, but the professorr here bursts in uncontrollable fits more then Aishwarya Rai when on drugs...


Its not as if he is unpopular.. people do clap when they see him - their hands over their eyes or ears.


What is the single most absurd and repeling thing of his is that he thinks he is a joke machine and all should just laugh at his cracks, even when all you want to do is peel off your ears.. and heaven forbids if he hears you trying to reciprocate the favour... All your jokes and wise cracks will be met with a Terminator like expression from the professorr and you will be upheld by him for disrupting the class...


One of his favourite passtime happens to pick on urs truly... class after class.. usually The Count is vry enthusiastic about the playful duels with the establishment and honestly they act as an anti-depressants for him... like he had great fun last year with the POE teacher, but in this case its boring.. with the professorr treating even an obvious joke answer as a blasphemy causing the Rapture.
Well excuuuuse The Count if he is no match for your enormous brain muscle SIR....


Maybe he is having an inferiority complex and tries too hard to get himself noticed...Other than that his classes are the usual.. about as fun as as chewing used syringes and the sound of the exit bell makes every brain cell in The Count's brain to cry in a joyful unison that they have been spared in this fuck-saturated environment..


Perhaps some of you would be thinking its bad and ungrateful of The Count to badmouth a guru and he should go to hell for this...
Tell you what... (A) The Count doesnt give two hoots and (B) Going to hell and ruling it has always been The Count's ambition.. so thank you for that.

Hasta... La vista..

I am no Superman!!

First things first.. NO... The Count is not going first person, as u might hav thought by seeing the title...Its a Lazo Bane song that forms the base of The Count's entry today.

As The Count wasnt active for a long time on the blogosphere, the fear(is there any??) of being obliterated has prompted him to write... well something...

Now as The Count has not been feeling terribly creative lately, this particular entry is not particularly humorous and does not deal with sarcasm or mindless parodying (Wait.. no.. dont go away... this could be fun too.. just persist.. are you still reading here..??).
Today's topic is jealousy.. or rather mindless pursuit of excellence..

Tell The Count, how many times hav u felt venomous towards ur peers or anyone in close vicinity when he/she has excelled u in any activity... bookworming, sports, lovelife aka GF/BF poaching.. any activity... and have u not felt let down by yourself and have spent countless hours feeling blue all over and retrospecting over things that could have been...??

True..!! U should always be upright on your competitive toes.. but The Count asks u.. "running all over in the rat race and crossing the line, but in process losing ur mind"... IS IT really worth after all??

Yes.. you should take pride in urself and always try to achieve the best, but the other person is thinking the same too.. U cannot win every time.. The trick is to identify the silly goals from the worthwhile ones and keeping your chin high... even if u take a hit or two. Being left out or putdown isnt the end of the world.. life is short and full of opportunities... ur time will come. Be cheerful and remember that u are not not superman.. the imaginary weight (of expectations of being numero uno in every freggin thing) that u think u have on ur head is just that.. IMAGINARY.

Finally accepting that u are not so heroic afterall.... is when you become TRULY HEROIC.

P.S.- This was also done to tell everyone that The Count isn't all HaHa-HeHe.. there is a small percentage of seriousness inside too.., gathering dust somewhere.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's Facts.. a la Chuck Norris

Hi all.. This time The Count is back with an appreciation for Kingsley Shacklebolt....
The calm, assuming good side wizard frm Harry Potter...

Tall, black, bald and badass to core.... he is the kind of guy who u want to come for rescue when u re in some deep shit....
The Count knew he was Hardcore when he was shown handling 3 Death eaters in OOTP..

So without further ado.. with his TONGUE FIRMLY IN HIS CHEEK The Count presents some facts of Kingsley Shacklebolt (inspired frm Chuck Norris facts)-


Voldemort is Kingsley Shacklebolt's Horcrux.

Kingsley Shacklebolt turns a Basilisk into stone when he looks at it.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't need an Invisibility Cloak. At night, Kingsley Shacklebolt BECOMES an Invisibility Cloak.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't need to use magic, his mere presence makes anyone against him defect to the good side.

Harry didn't survive Voldemort's Killing Curse because of his mother's love; he survived it because of his mother's one night of love with Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's tears cure any detrimental effect. Too bad he doesn't cry.

It is believed that Peter Pettigrew once blew up a street with a single curse, causing many deaths.
In fact, it was just Kingsley Shacklebolt sneezing.

The sorting hat doesn't make the Sword of Griffindor appear, Kingsley Shacklebolt just throws it at people he pitties.

Harry potter didn't reflect the killing curse back at Voldemort the curse just saw Kingsley
Shacklebolt standing behind harry and tried to run away.

Kingsley Shacklebolt didn't study at Hogwarts. Hogwarts studied at Kingsley Shacklebolt.

When Kingsley Shacklebolt looks into the mirror of Erised, his reflection is the one who sees what it wants.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's bite can cure werewolves. Unfortunately, none so far have been able to
survive the experience.

The twelve uses for dragon's blood are merely the twelve uses that Kingsley Shacklebolt let
Dumbledore know about.

At the moment Voldemort fired the final killing spell at Harry, Kingsley Shacklebolt pointed his
finger at J.K. Rowling and shouted "Boo-yah!". This caused the plot to rewrite itself in Harry's
favor, kill off several major supporting characters, and add in an extra five letter swear word.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't disapparate. Everything else apparates wherever the hell he wants it to be.

Kingsley Shacklebolt would have been the first person to survive an Avada Kadavra, but so far no Avada Kadavra has been man enough to hit Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Kingsley Shacklebolt is bald because hair is afraid of growing near him.

Dementors fear Kingsley Shacklebolt's kiss.

Kingsley Shacklebolt has no boggart.

A boggarts boggart turns into kingsley shacklebolt.

Lord Voldemort initially wanted to resurrect himself with Kingsley Shacklebolt's blood, too bad he doesn't bleed.

Kingsley Shacklebolt once had a glorious feast of death eaters and dark wizards. The shit he later excreted became known as The Sorcerer's Stone.

P.S. thx to miss congeniality for a few pointers....