By the order of The Count......

The New chelsea FAN..!!

2008-12-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

hear.. hear..

the latter part of the 08-09 season hasnt been a dream run for our beloved club...

all this and much more has deeply affected the psyche of some of our NEW "football-challenged" fans...

sell player x.y and z and bring in a,b and c.. happens to be the new sanjivini booty (booty- the hindi word.. not english) for all problems... While I agree that some of it is necessary.. A whole-sale change.. is well a bit foolish. But whos is to argue with the MIGHT OF CASUAL FAN...???

SO.. presenting to.. the all and sundry, the rant of the "blue pirate" the "blue messiah" the 'bluezzz rulezzz" in short.. the rant of the new fan fed on an endless diet of FIFA 09/ FM.. wanting to take the club to new heights-

Oh, we are doomed!! Our game plan has been figured out, our squad is weak mentally and we will not win another game this season.

Relegation is a certainty.

Our squad is simply CRAP. FACT

Lets review the players individually:

1. Cech - Ever since his moment of stupidity cost him his skull, he hasn't been the same. Commits blunders too often, especially in crucial games. How many points has he cost us? Also cost us the CL with his sucky penalty saving skills. He is a severe liability and must be replaced with a genuine world class keeper (e.g Buffon, Casillas, Reina ) as soon as possible.

2. Ivanovic- Player who lacks drive. He seems content to sit on the bench. If he wasn't he would have publicly criticized the management by now. Do we need this sort of unambitious players at our club? NO

3. Cole - His crossing is some of the worst I've ever seen. He is also beaten defensively easily by the likes of Pennant. Ugh. He is also a horrible human being with no ethics.

5. Essien- His pathetic marking of Ronaldo cost us the CL. He is also a dirty player. Remember that horrendous challenge on Hamann? That deserved life imprisonment. Also his goal per minute ratio is absolutely pathetic for a midfielder. In the end, he is simply not good enough for our illustrious club.

6. Carvalho- Prone to stupid errors. Example: The backpass against United that let Rooney through. Also, too injury prone which forces us to shuffle our defence too much.

8. Lampard- Hmm. Where do I start? There is so much wrong with him that I don't have the fingers to count them. Still , I will list diligently list down his most glaring faults:

a) He is fat. Not only does this restrict his mobility, it also makes him a bad role model. After all, fat people suck. FACT

b) He is only interested in scoring. However, he is a midfielder. He neglects many crucial aspects such as passing and tackling. On the rare occasions that he does pass or tackle, he screws up horribly. For someone only interested in scoring, he scores too little. Only 20 goals a season? Bah. My dog could do better.

c) He only scores deflections. Seriously, all his goals are lucky and fluky. He has never scored a good goal in his life. He can only score in the six yard box and with the ball bouncing of 6 players enroute to the goal. As everyone knows, goals are worthless unless they are works of art.

d) He is overpaid and selfish. While he is enjoying himself with his dirty Russian money, there are starving children worldwide. Does he donate all his money to them? No. Therefore, he is a horrible human being.

e) His set plays suck. His corners don’t get past the first man and his free kicks invariably hit the wall or hit Row Z. We should get Ashley Young to take the set pieces instead.

9) Di Santo- Best player at our club.

10) Cole- Sucky "winger" with no pace or finishing skill. Donovan is so much better in all respects. He doesn;t contribute to our play, hardly scores, gets injured often, the list goes on........ One world can describe him : USELESS

11) Drogba- Gets suspended often for his foolish actions. He also cost us the CL by getting himself sent off. He has never achieved anything of note here apart from one average season when he scored 30+ fluky goals which required no skill. Also, injury prone.

12) Mikel- Immature fool who tackles stupidly and gets himself sent off every other game. Also, his play in the final third sucks. His shooting sucks. His passing sucks. His defending sucks. His haircut sucks. Everything about him screams SUCK

13) Ballack- The laziest player in the world. Saunters around the field putting in no effort whatsoever. Everything I watch him, I shout at the TV . My words : Get off your f**king a** and get running , you f**king f**ker. Also injury prone (as everyone is) . Also overpaid . We definitely paid too much for him two years ago,

15) Malouda – Clueless French git. Can’t cross. Can’t shoot. Can’t pass. Can’t run. Can’t play football. Ship him out and replace him with Ashley Young..

16) Sinclair- 2nd best player at our club

17) Bosingwa- We overpaid for him big time. He is suspect defensively and this has cost us many goals. Also, his crossing is almost as bad as Cole’s . Nothing more than Cole Mark II. Since he is like Cole in almost every aspect on the pitch, it is logical to claim that he also behaves like Cole off the pitch. Therefore, he is a horrible human being.

Also, his driving sucks.

18 )Bridge - I know most of you love him for the goal against Arsenal . I’m sorry to say that I have analyzed it thoroughly and can state that the seemingly brilliant strike was actually a mishit cross and therefore should have been disallowed . His defending also sucks as can be seen from his inept performance against Croatia. It is entirely his fault that his country failed to qualify for Euro 2008 . He has also missed two crucial penalties for

us that ultimately cost us the shootout. I hate him and you should to.

19) Ferriera- Useless tosser. Has he ever done anything of note of us? Has he ever not screwed up in a match? Answer: Resounding NO. Get rid of him, I say.

20) Deco- Diving cheater. Also, his scoring ratio is even worse than Lampard and Essien which is certainly saying something. Not good enough for us which was clear at the very beginning. Why we buy useless outcasts like him is beyond me? He is also unpatriotic and has committed treason. Though he is a Brazillian, he chose to play for Portugal Unforgivable.

21) Kalou- Very inconsistent. On some days, he is sucky and on other days, he is very sucky. His decision making and finishing are among the suckiest I’ve ever seen. Should get a job cleaning toilets. The sucky atmosphere there must be suitable for his sucky brain.

23) Cudicini- My criticisms of him are similar to my criticisms of Ivanovic. So look over there. Added note : poor at crosses.

26) Terry- THIS F**KER COST US THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE!!!. HOW COULD HE MISS THAT PENALTY ??? THANKS TO THIS IDIOT, WE WILL NEVER WIN THE CL EVER!!! WHY DID HE SLIP??? DID ANYONE ELSE SLIP ??? NO!!!

Also, performs dirty tackles too often and starts harassing the ref at every little decision that doesn’t go his way. CAPTAIN, MY A**E !!! More like BULLYING THUG.

Also unpatriotic as he feigns injury to avoid playing for his country.

Really, the club should burn his contract with immediate effect. Burn his contract. BURN HIS CONTRACT !. BURN HIS CONTRACT!! BBBBUUUUUURRRNN HHIIIIIISSS CCOONNNTRRRACCTT!!!

27) Mineiro- If he was good, he’d start for Brazil. He doesn’t start for Brazil. Therefore, he isn’t good.

33) Alex- Goes forward too often and neglects his duties. I always feel like telling him, “ Hey, baldy , you are a GODDAMN DEFENDER. ACT LIKE ONE.

35) Belletti- Defending sucks (becoming a common theme) . For someone who attacks that much, he gets relatively few goals and assists. All his goals are pathetic flukes.

39) Anelka- Hardly ever scores even though he is a striker. When he does score, his goals are lucky tap ins . Whines a lot about being placed in the wrong position. Big deal. F**ktard, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Also has no concept of loyalty. He changes clubs as often as the changing of the wind’s direction. How many clubs has he had so far? 10 ? 50? 200? Maybe even more…

40) Hilario – Awful shot stopper. Remember how Flamini scored past him in 06/07. My grandmother could have saved that. Also, absolutely horrendous of crosses. He and Gomes must get along well.

43) Stoch – 3rd best player at our club.

Manager ) Scolari- Clueless tactically inept wanker. He only won the world cup through luck and the huge amounts of talent at his disposal. In fact, he was a failure for not winning it convincingly enough. Beating Turkeylace> 1-0? Bah. Turkey sucks. Brazil should be able to thrash them. Failed to win anything with Portugal despite his squad brimming with world-class talent. Now at Chelsea he has already lost three games in a short span of time which used to be unthinkable. Seriously, even Grant was better.

Whatever his post is) Kenyon- Loves to f**k up transfers and say a lot of stupid thing such as “ Ooh, our squad is good enough and there is no need to buy in Jan” Idiot. I’ve already proven our squad sucks. Maybe if I kill him, I can take his place and buy some world class players to replace the idiots at our club who are disguised as footballers.

Boss) Abramovich- A member of the mafia and has obtained his money through illegal methods. Should receive the death penalty for his oppression of the people. The day he came to our club was the worst day in our history. Now, our club has been tainted can never be cured from this Russian malady. All the money paid to our useless players is dirty money which should not be worth anything at all.

Conclusion : We need a total revamp of our squad .

Solution :

We need to buy players quickly.

I would buy Casillas, Buffon, Vidic , Ferdinand, Carragher, Evra, Zambrotta, Nesta, Arbeloa, Sagna and Toure to bolster our defence.

Also , Ashley Young.

For the midfield, I would purchase Van der Vaart, Carrick, Gerrard, Geovanni, Nani, Hleb, Arteta, Frings , Robben and Ashley Young.

Did I mention we need to buy Ashley Young?

For the striking department, Robinho, Zaki, Tevez and Donovan would be good buys.

I wish to state once again that we must buy Ashley Young.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

All my points above are FACT and if you disagree, you are a clueless ************ and should go stuff yourself into a fridge.

Rantings #1

2008-08-21T04:41:00.000-07:00

hi.. wats up with all u guys/gals..??

Does all the maddening rush for a few cushioned seats in fewer PG institutes making ur brain go all woozzy...?? want do really chill out..?? do u want to make it all go away.. by reading something soothing, relaxing and funny..??

THEN WAT THE F*** ARE U DOING HERE..??

go read some obscure poem about fluffy bunnies and ponies and 'oh cho chweet babies'..
This is The Count's rant.. and it might turn out nasty..

So.. as The Count was returning to his home there was this huge marching parade thingy going on, celebrating 'janma-ashtmi' blocking a full road.. with loud-ass speakers and slow moving trucks.. and a lot of people wearing saffron.. not to mention.. followed by a big traffic jam causing many honks and fuel guzzling vehicles puffing out smoke.

Now.. now.. The Count is not an atheist per se.. but it is this phony excuse of a religious celebration that pisses his nerves off..hell it is almost as bad as people asking u questions with blatant obvious answers, like-

"oh.. so u r wearing a green shirt.."

"NO Sir.. u see it is a very cute shade of emerald and having about 1/100th of a yellow effect.. so no.. it not a green shirt.."- is The Count's response as beating people over the head is not yet legalized..

Ok.. back to the relevant topic.. so.. watsupwith all this stupid big ceremonies celebrating a faith that is supposed to be spiritual and 'satvik' in its very basic form.. The Count really cant stand these big, lavish spending on the name of 'yagya' or 'pujas'.. ok.. fine.. its not The Count's money that is being spend.. but he feels it should be put to a better use..

4 months ago a mandir close by had a theft of 50 laks.. hard cash.. 50 mthrfuking laks..!! They had 50 laks snoozing in their safes, donated daily by people for a "good" cause while there is a huge pile of beggars comprising little children lining every evening at the mandir's doorstep.. man.. talk about hypocrisy.
Also, as a student of economics (hey.. The Count PASSED.. alright..) it really appals The Count see all the cash lying idle.

Then there is the case of the long all nighters called 'jagarans' who rob all the people nere by of a sound sleep and r rounded up with a real fun show of the main singer acting all dreamy and claming GOD entering him... really.. the GOD..!! the supreme being...

The Count is not making fun of the religion.. He himself believe of a spiritual power.. a God and prays to it in his most dire needs.. (like a day before exam.. or when india/chelsea are losing) and remembers to thank it daily for what it has given to him, but what makes the thing worse is when MAN decides to take the idea about GOD and mould it for his benefit.. with a few of the self proclaimed big daddies of faith start a fight among all the people and tell them what to do/ not to do, just take a look at the works of RSS, VHP and who can forget gujrat..

Why, not just Hinduism.. u can see this for a fact in Islam (sania and skirts, a befuddling fatwa or two every other day), Christianity (banning homo/bisexuality and branding it unnatural.. Who the hell gave them the right to declare what is natural) and every other religion..

These are mainly the reasons The Count dont follow the orthodox way of praying.. he does not consider himself as an atheist but he does not follow any one religion too.. cause between every religion, he has find ample reasons to not to follow any one of them..
Peace out..

P.S. Two very awesome hindi movies coming.. this year for which The Count is totally pumped up..

Drona- gonna kick krissh's ass and

Dostana.. The Count hopes for once the issue of homosexuality is handled with dignity in hindi movies.. comedy is good but needless jokes are not welcome..

Lovely vacations..

2008-05-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hellou reader..

to quote Indy Jones "its been a while"...

April is among d most hated months for The Count... not only does it signal the onset of summer and it also sees the most diabolical strategy planned by the establishment.. examination... which are like garlic to The Count. Believe him.. exams werent The Count's ideas.. but its the little matter of a career, path to high life and certain social norms tht one has to follow by taking the plunge everytime.. this year's reminded The Count of the exams he got stuffed up his *** in std XI (go here fr reference)http://straightedgesahaj.blogspot.com/2007/02/listen-ye-children-for-u-might-fear.html

hufff.... with that aside.. lets talk about sunny things.. ure beloved Count has been lazing around so much tht little spiders have started thinking his body as their home and hav been clinging to their mommies to not to leave if and when they do...

well thats until The Count got a pooch..!! Thats rite.. a month old German Shepard.. the little dude is fantastic..!! Named him scooby (cheezy yes.. but not like say a Tiger or a Tommy).

The Count also watched movies- Iron Man and Prince Caspian.. The Count wud suggest u all to hav a peek.. both are fantastic.. and if u r'nt a movie buff there is plenty of eye candy.. Gweneth Paltrow fr the gents and some luscious boys in Caspian fr the ladies. Apart frm it The Count has been having a keen eye for the colourful cricket the IPL hoping fr a daredevils win.. and there is always the Beautiful game of football.. judgement day is on the 21st of may when the mighty Chelsea FC wud take on the over supported chumps of Manchester united.. The Count could lose his job, lose his girlfriend to his best mate, get diagnosed with cancer (lung, throat and prostate, ALL) and have his house repossessed on the same day and this match with a Chelsea victory would still make his day worth living.

So.. thats hw The Count has been enjoying the few days of freedom.. movies.. videogames.. and pooch scooby. Cometh the June and the bitchin' grind of MBA wud start, its gonna be a CATastrophic year.. my friends..

Hey.. just to change d mood.. heres a short story The Count has written.. nothing Steaphen King like.. just some words due to friction of pen on paper.. feel free to like, love, hate, comment on it.. at least u wud know how The Count wasted his time when u all were battling John Drez and mankiew...

THE DEVIL AND HIS FRIEND

Hi.. I am Devil.. no.. no dont be scared.. its just a bad publicity that makes me look evil..

actually things were not the same always.. Me and my friend, some call him GOD, came together. We both had our temples made and gave equal opportunities to the people to come and visit us. As I said.. 'bad publicity' really diluted my devotee base.. People were far more inclined to visit The God than me.. I felt really pissed off u kno.. !!

As fr him.. my friend.. he had a really wonderful time. But something wasnt right, I sensed it.. there was tension in the air.. well u see he used to grant people wishes on the basis of their righteousness.. their courage.. this made some people, powerful people.. if I may add, veery angry. Therein I pounced.. I decided to grant wishes to the devotees proportionatly to their offerings to me. Soon the no. of my followers increased... I became super popular. Remember my friend..?? well his followers decreased one by one.. now its a miracle if he gets so much as a visit.
My friend survives on my leftovers now...

P.S. The Count is going for a 10 day trip to West Bengal.. the land of lovely ladies..!! (as exemplified by looking at some of his readers) so wish him bon-voyage..!!

HE's BACK...

2008-01-31T08:38:00.000-08:00

Greetings.. all.. The Count is back.. after some time to giv those fingers some exercise other than stuffing them in KFC basket...!!! mmmmmmmm.....

So... the first month has been busy.. nasty exams and marks and proving to parents.. stuff and all..

apart from it life has been decent in and around in general...

weather's been awesome.. Some might comment the lack of sunshine giving them the glooms.. but The Count loves and he means LOVES the winters and the romance of misty chilly winds, the chill in the air, the darkness and dampness and the no show of sunlight...

complements his (as some might call) cold blood perfectly...

Now.. the title is not just signalling the return of The Count.. it also acknowledges the return of The Count's screen hero.. the GOD of action, the messiah of mercenaries... "John Rambo.."

JOHN F***ING RAMBO... the name alone makes armies deliver a collective action of pooping in their camoflauged pajamayas..

Its not just a movie.. no.. its more..

The movie 'John Rambo' or 'Rambo 4' or 'Fourth Blood' to some beat The Count to bloody pulp, ripped out his jugular, cutout his intestines, tied him up with them and made him watch this gory voilent and awesome movie and The Count loved every minute of it.!!

This movie is the most kickass movie of all time The story is a little better then part 2 and 3,It`s no First Blood in terms of story but the action was the best of all the Rambo`s, The Count thinks his balls grew an extra pair while watching the movie...

When Rambo ripped a dudes throat and pulled the trachea.. Sweet Jejus.. The Count cried happy tears of joy... This movie was ******* awesome. The Count feels like he can take on a polar bear... Actually, make that 10 polars...

Every man's beard in the theater grew an inch or so.. its so manly..

If your a man go watch this movie to do justice to ur testostrone.. and if u r a girl who's boyfriend hasnt seen the movie.. u ought to think again on his masculanity aspect..

Sylvester Stallone yet again proves he is the MAN.. and that too at the age 62.. about time for him to deliver a true action movie that justifies the genre ACTION... with a good ol' fashioned 80s feel..
So all u pretty boys- the Orlando Blooms, the Brad Pitts, Tom Cruises- et all.. can collectively take a signature Rambo knife up their ***

And keeping the tradition.. here are 13 THINGS LERNT FROM WATCHING JOHN RAMBO..

1- Rambo and tracking dogs do not mix

2- Burmese soldiers will rape on the spot every women they come across except the white beautiful american blond

3- They already have enough cobra. Need python.

4- It rains so much in Thailand and Bumra, people stopped caring and don't use umbrellas anymore

5- White Christian missionaries: it's what's for dinner!

6- When your pushed, killing's as easy as breathing. Except when you breath you don't convert 100 burmese soldiers into hamburger using a 50 caliber anti-aircraft gun.

7- Christian missionaries abhor killing..taking a life is NEVER right. except when it comes to rescuing fellow missionaries, in which case its cool to use donated church money to pay brutal professional killers to go into the burmese military camp and slaughter them.

8- That when being shot by a huge mounted machine gun. It's best advised to stand your ground and take the bullets like a man!

9- Its useless to run from rambo, so its better to stand your ground and get your ass handed to you.

10- The Burmese language is extremely annoying

11- If Rambo say go home, you better listen to him

12- Its more important to save a white christian women than to save Burmese women gangraped on the stage.

13- Fishing usin a bow and arrow gives better result..

P.S. Hey.. to whosoever reading the above haphazard write up.. Please do suggest a topic for The Count's next write up... He is blank on that aspect.. ANY TOPIC..

Teacher... Teacher...

2007-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

Greetings...

Off late The Count has been feeling a bit bitter (and by biter he doesnt mean that he has been splooshing in karela juice) lately (by late he doesnt mean that he is lying down).....
Though the weather in Delhi has been pleasant... influencing The Count frm spewing his usual quota of venomous words (by that he does not mean that he sollows a king cobra and a comic and spits out word balloons drippin in poison)...

Tell The Count... how'd that feel... felt like hitting ur head with ur keyboard or are u apologizing to your brain for making it read all that???

Now imagine hearing this kind of jibbrish 5 days a week... and not being able to run away, flapping ur arms, from it. Now here is this teacher.. who's intro The Count, after growing up on a staple diet of cartoons, will give in a Captain Planet'esq way-

"The Power of annoying girly giggles"
"The Power of stupid arrogance that no one cares about"
"The Power of CRAP"
"The power of bad PJ's"

(There is a good and a bad PJ.. The Count shud know that.. being a certified PJ God)

"By ur powers combined..... I M the PROFESSORR....."

Yea.. call it The Professorr... who no doubt has great credentials for teaching.. but also has this knack of being annoying in the worst possible way... like the giggles... They look and sound good on pretty girls, but the professorr here bursts in uncontrollable fits more then Aishwarya Rai when on drugs...

Its not as if he is unpopular.. people do clap when they see him - their hands over their eyes or ears.

What is the single most absurd and repeling thing of his is that he thinks he is a joke machine and all should just laugh at his cracks, even when all you want to do is peel off your ears.. and heaven forbids if he hears you trying to reciprocate the favour... All your jokes and wise cracks will be met with a Terminator like expression from the professorr and you will be upheld by him for disrupting the class...

One of his favourite passtime happens to pick on urs truly... class after class.. usually The Count is vry enthusiastic about the playful duels with the establishment and honestly they act as an anti-depressants for him... like he had great fun last year with the POE teacher, but in this case its boring.. with the professorr treating even an obvious joke answer as a blasphemy causing the Rapture.
Well excuuuuse The Count if he is no match for your enormous brain muscle SIR....

Maybe he is having an inferiority complex and tries too hard to get himself noticed...Other than that his classes are the usual.. about as fun as as chewing used syringes and the sound of the exit bell makes every brain cell in The Count's brain to cry in a joyful unison that they have been spared in this fuck-saturated environment..

Perhaps some of you would be thinking its bad and ungrateful of The Count to badmouth a guru and he should go to hell for this...
Tell you what... (A) The Count doesnt give two hoots and (B) Going to hell and ruling it has always been The Count's ambition.. so thank you for that.

Hasta... La vista..

I am no Superman!!

2007-10-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

First things first.. NO... The Count is not going first person, as u might hav thought by seeing the title...Its a Lazo Bane song that forms the base of The Count's entry today.

As The Count wasnt active for a long time on the blogosphere, the fear(is there any??) of being obliterated has prompted him to write... well something...

Now as The Count has not been feeling terribly creative lately, this particular entry is not particularly humorous and does not deal with sarcasm or mindless parodying (Wait.. no.. dont go away... this could be fun too.. just persist.. are you still reading here..??).
Today's topic is jealousy.. or rather mindless pursuit of excellence..

Tell The Count, how many times hav u felt venomous towards ur peers or anyone in close vicinity when he/she has excelled u in any activity... bookworming, sports, lovelife aka GF/BF poaching.. any activity... and have u not felt let down by yourself and have spent countless hours feeling blue all over and retrospecting over things that could have been...??

True..!! U should always be upright on your competitive toes.. but The Count asks u.. "running all over in the rat race and crossing the line, but in process losing ur mind"... IS IT really worth after all??

Yes.. you should take pride in urself and always try to achieve the best, but the other person is thinking the same too.. U cannot win every time.. The trick is to identify the silly goals from the worthwhile ones and keeping your chin high... even if u take a hit or two. Being left out or putdown isnt the end of the world.. life is short and full of opportunities... ur time will come. Be cheerful and remember that u are not not superman.. the imaginary weight (of expectations of being numero uno in every freggin thing) that u think u have on ur head is just that.. IMAGINARY.

Finally accepting that u are not so heroic afterall.... is when you become TRULY HEROIC.

P.S.- This was also done to tell everyone that The Count isn't all HaHa-HeHe.. there is a small percentage of seriousness inside too.., gathering dust somewhere.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's Facts.. a la Chuck Norris

2007-08-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Hi all.. This time The Count is back with an appreciation for Kingsley Shacklebolt....
The calm, assuming good side wizard frm Harry Potter...

Tall, black, bald and badass to core.... he is the kind of guy who u want to come for rescue when u re in some deep shit....
The Count knew he was Hardcore when he was shown handling 3 Death eaters in OOTP..

So without further ado.. with his TONGUE FIRMLY IN HIS CHEEK The Count presents some facts of Kingsley Shacklebolt (inspired frm Chuck Norris facts)-

Voldemort is Kingsley Shacklebolt's Horcrux.

Kingsley Shacklebolt turns a Basilisk into stone when he looks at it.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't need an Invisibility Cloak. At night, Kingsley Shacklebolt BECOMES an Invisibility Cloak.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't need to use magic, his mere presence makes anyone against him defect to the good side.

Harry didn't survive Voldemort's Killing Curse because of his mother's love; he survived it because of his mother's one night of love with Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's tears cure any detrimental effect. Too bad he doesn't cry.

It is believed that Peter Pettigrew once blew up a street with a single curse, causing many deaths.
In fact, it was just Kingsley Shacklebolt sneezing.

The sorting hat doesn't make the Sword of Griffindor appear, Kingsley Shacklebolt just throws it at people he pitties.

Harry potter didn't reflect the killing curse back at Voldemort the curse just saw Kingsley
Shacklebolt standing behind harry and tried to run away.

Kingsley Shacklebolt didn't study at Hogwarts. Hogwarts studied at Kingsley Shacklebolt.

When Kingsley Shacklebolt looks into the mirror of Erised, his reflection is the one who sees what it wants.

Kingsley Shacklebolt's bite can cure werewolves. Unfortunately, none so far have been able to
survive the experience.

The twelve uses for dragon's blood are merely the twelve uses that Kingsley Shacklebolt let
Dumbledore know about.

At the moment Voldemort fired the final killing spell at Harry, Kingsley Shacklebolt pointed his
finger at J.K. Rowling and shouted "Boo-yah!". This caused the plot to rewrite itself in Harry's
favor, kill off several major supporting characters, and add in an extra five letter swear word.

Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn't disapparate. Everything else apparates wherever the hell he wants it to be.

Kingsley Shacklebolt would have been the first person to survive an Avada Kadavra, but so far no Avada Kadavra has been man enough to hit Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Kingsley Shacklebolt is bald because hair is afraid of growing near him.

Dementors fear Kingsley Shacklebolt's kiss.

Kingsley Shacklebolt has no boggart.

A boggarts boggart turns into kingsley shacklebolt.

Lord Voldemort initially wanted to resurrect himself with Kingsley Shacklebolt's blood, too bad he doesn't bleed.

Kingsley Shacklebolt once had a glorious feast of death eaters and dark wizards. The shit he later excreted became known as The Sorcerer's Stone.

P.S. thx to miss congeniality for a few pointers....

Tagg.. best characters in books...

2007-08-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Now.. this being The Count's first tag.. allow him to get down straight onto business...

Fav 5 characters frm Books..

1) Count Dracula frm Dracula.
This is of course a no brainer... the inspiration for the Count Sahaj's name.. The great vampire.
Contrary to the vampires of Eastern European mythology which are portrayed as repulsive, corpse-like creatures, Dracula exudes a veneer of aristocratic charm which masks his dark and evil soul. The eternal lady magnet and master of dark arts.
Bram Stoker.. sir.. take a bow...

2) Severus Snape frm Harry Potter.
Bloody awesome.. this guy has all the shades... A tragic anti hero.. cold villain& Badassery to boot!!
The Chapter written on Snape- prince's tale can become a bestselling book on itself...
If u look up Undying love in a dic. u'l see Snape's picture alongside it.. for more on Snape head on to The Count's previous blog.

3)William Kane and Abel Rosnovski frm Kane And Able.
The Count puts both of them together as both had almost the same kind of emotional life...
Kane.. though born in an affluent family.. had a childhood far frm normal.. fighting enemies within his empire.. he built a legacy to be envied of...

Though Kane is suave, rich and sophisticated but Able has his own aura..
This guy had seen it all... From seeing his sister getting raped and killed by solders... to escaping frm a POW camp to almost getting beheaded in Turkey..
He packed more in his first 15 yrs of life than what many cant do in entire generation...
A self made man.. his is a rags to riches and revenge story like u have never read before...

4)Michael Corleone from Godfather.
A legendary figure... made immortal by Al Pachino... he was the flawed son... the "apple falling so far away frm the tree" that the tree isnt sure if its his apple.. but all that changed when he got a sense of duty and family pride in himself... And what the followed is the wrath and fury of the Don.. the true Don.. not the pussy assed version by SRK.

5) Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.
Rich bachelor by the day and serial killer by the night... Bateman is the ultimate stereotype of yuppie greed: rich, shallow, and addicted to sex, recreational drugs and conspicuous consumption. Bateman is a serial killer who murders a variety of people, from colleagues to several prostitutes. His crimes, including rape, torture, murder and cannibalism....
Tell The Count... how possibly that is not awesome.......???

P.S. dont know if comic books r allowed.. but if they are... The All time greats are Batman and Joker..

Deathly posts..

2007-07-25T03:41:00.000-07:00

Hi.. wassup.. readers??So here is The Count.. trying to settle in cllg lyf once again... 2nd yr coming up ahead... not too sure if the YEAR is welcoming him the way it should have.. not with the scores; but then again, marks havent been higsest of his priorities (read earlier posts if u may for more info)..

On to substance then... a week has passed and The Count couldnt help but comment on the new profs. Best of all is the mighty Sardar... The Count will hav his comments ready after few more rounds of observations.. WATCH THIS SPACE!!
It may be a shock to some.. but he is missing Mr.Rajiv Jha... sure he had the habit of ramming you in the ground of shame with his comments and yours truly was one of his fav targets... but he had an unparalleled air around him.. even when u r getting ur ass kicked.. u kno its done by an authoritative figure...

He reminds me of the real topic of this blog.. Severus Snape.. as most of u musthav read Deathly Hallows... The Count has to say the death that most affected him was that of his fav character..

Greasy haired potions teacher..... Hated by all and loved by none.. ditched by the girl he always loved.. He is the true example of what Dumbledor meant by saying that the greatest power is the power of Love.... U say he was initially a bad character.. The Count says he was a product of his environment. The school at large hated him so he resorted to the Dark Arts with his Slytherin friends, only became "evil" because of keeping bad company (he was a Slytherin, after all). Bad influence + peer pressure. Him being an outcast and a nerd didn't help much either.
They sorted him too quickly, poor Snape.

And the saddest part of Severus Snape's death is the fact that he died believing Harry, whom he vowed, risked, and sacrificed everything to protect out of his love for Lily, would die. Of course S.S. also knew Harry would be ridding the world of Voldermort, but still. Everything he worked for and had done must have seemed in vain or just tutored him; that he couldn't do anything for Lily.Fictional guy or not.. he is one of the best characters The Count has come across...

And his love for Lily... unmatched...
just teared up when DD says"after all this time?" Upon seeing the Doe
and he says "always"...
remember his last words... He told Harry to look at him.. as u know a billion times already Hary's eyes are like Lily's.....
U have The Count's salute.. Severus Snape..

P.S.-
And what's with all those funny names in the end..Albus Severus Potter!!!?? Plus, apparently Ginny had no say in the naming of her children whatsoever.
Ginny- "Hey, Harry, I was thinking we could name one Fred..."
Harry- "SILENCE WOMAN I MAKE THE RULES AROUND HERE"

But given Mrs. Weasely's record of pumping out babies (6 or 7), The Count's sure Ginny will follow suit. There will be a Sirius Potter, a Lupin Potter, a Tonks Potter, an Alastor Moody Potter, George's ear Potter and Hedwig Potter.

Interesting Anagram...If we rearrange 'severus snape' we get...Persues Evans.

The Art Of Kissing.....

2007-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings.... Let the Count present u with.... The Ar.... Aw hell... u all prolly got it thru the title..
So get on with the reading....!!!

Kiss....... Ah!! the gesture that is the start of many a love stories.........
and many a political propaganda in our country.... its the most common form of PDA, but..... does it have some other use too???? READ ON-

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?
Some say football, cricket is the most common answer, then there is tennis, basking in its glory due to Russian beauties and some swore by Schumi and Shaq.
The Count says: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow him to explain just a few of the reasons.

There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death and the "Hey you! Kiss this!" mode, complete with a complimentory finger.

Kissing requires so little equipment, which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion.

Kissing is legal in most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.
Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Acid. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who is The Count to stifle your sense of adventure?
You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same time, though...especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

KISSIN IS 100% SAFE, the only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands spurned lovers.

The Count does NOT recommend "extreme kissing". For instance, don't kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather ; readers in northern climates know exactly what The Count means. Don't kiss any electrical outlets.
Don't kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; The Count feels this one is self-explanatory.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. The Count guarantees that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

U feelin the heat???

2007-06-11T02:36:00.000-07:00

Ahh....
The Count knows tht it has been a long tym since he last made an effort to weave that mighty left hand of his to point the little Rodent's pointer to CREATE A NEW POST...

OoooHHhh.... Now The Count can feel and see the glee on all his reader's mugs...

So folks.. how's it been.. the Cllg has been out and we're entering on the downward phase of our Holidays..

As for his holiness The Count...
Off late things have been getting really bad for him... After experiencing all the happiness in the world by getting a Xbox 360... The Delhi heat's burning the royal bottom....

Seriously... prancing around in 44 deg is not The count's kind fun...
But The Count isnt here to bore u all........ Wat he wants to tell u tht how awesomely awesome has the big dude upstairs been to him...

for the past 3-4 nights the society in with urs truly lives in has been having this superb problem of experiencing a blackout right smack in the mid on night 1:00-3:50...
As if the Lord wud say... "Enjoy the nature my son..."
Yea.. cool yes..sire.. but y'see the thing is The Count lives in the topmost floor and has a hell of a time getting the 'soothing' effects of his Lair becoming a green house.........

Some of u mght think.. oohh... Late night blackout.... candles... wind blowing... how romantic....Awww....
Well all The Count got to see was sweaty, hairy uncles wearing nothing but silly excuses of Bermudas........ yay... so much for Americanization of Indian society...

Where are the girls.....yaar.... supposedly all the beauts of the apartment got up and gathered together to spend the time away frm The Count's and his peers praying eyes....... meh...
3 hrs of solid nightmare...

(BTW if any of the readers take an offence in the above comments..... well, all The Count can say is that you should know reading Blogs by unemployed comedians is not good for u)....

Days arnt better... Delhi was hot but nevr this hot b4..... and whatmore this heat brings the madness out of The Count... urges him to go on a rampage..

"When you're feeling low and woozy
slap a fresh clip in your uzi
assume the proper firing stance
and make those suckers jump and dance"

Wow... The Count must be the frst guy to use UZI(a firearm) in a poem..... take tht Wordsworth!!

All now The Count can hope is for the mighty rains..... He cud strangle the dude who wrote the song Rain Rain Go away.... Its rain.. rain... pour with all ye might for him...

So..... seeya...... then..... and please for the sake of this poor nasty soul.....
Pray to Indra, Zeus, Thor.... or whatever rain god u kno..... and use the env better so The Count doesnt suffer this bad nxt time around..... and spoil his pinkish white complexion....

WC shattered............ but The Count started Gymmin..!!

2007-03-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

"Bloody Motherf**#ing son of a nerve wreckin co#ksuckin jezebel wh^re fath!#%^fu*^ing son of a witch…a p*^sdrinkin shedevil…witch…."

If u r thinking what has gotten into the mild-mannered Count tht he’s mouthing of words tht mght put a sailor to shame…… Well he just put on the Tee Vee and saw M Samson Dhoni and Rahul ‘Deewar’ Dravid on the crease (err… The Count’s talking abt cricket….yeah the same “sport??” that’s been frequently shown in the latest adverts of Pepsi and Nike) and sees his homeland in a bottleneck situation and just when he was wishing to the Big man upstairs tht Samson here hits a blazing knock and hand the Lankans an ass whooping that hasn't been seen since Lord Rama with his monkeys handed feudal Lanka its own ass….. he got out…..!!!!

A blatent disregard for the the ever emotionally sensitive Count…… Samson got outdone….. and with that The Count’s last hope a late Indian resurgence had been beaten, raped, killed, and raped again, in that order.
That is it….
Surely…. From now on The Count is not watching any cricket …………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………...................................
.................WAIT… He didn’t say that… maybe there is still some chance..
wat if Deewar with help of Haddiraja (Agarkar) turns it around… HUH! HUH!.. Sure…. But if it happened (plz.. make it happen) The Count would cry, sweet delicious tears of joy and then he would cry these tears into an ancient goblet and use them to bless a sacrifice to the dark lord that made all of this possible.

Enough of that… Indian cricket will again fall in its demise and we’ll sill be forced to watch it… why???? ‘Cause there aint no other sport here….. Look at soccer for example… there are so many talented folks here…. But instead of financing and supporting them… we spend days and days a game of leather and wood….. where we only have presence because of our large viewer ship and money….. and so it will chug-a-long... have we been spending half the money in any other sport.............. PLEASE PLEASE.... stop watching cricket rite now.... The Count Pleads u.................

"Yo... maan.. deep.. man tht shit was deep" Hey.. wats that…… whats the sound…. Oh.. It’s that sound again in The Count's head telling him to stop with the negative bit and get on with the fun part….
After all blogging is all abt fun and writing irrelevant things rite……………..

But this is fun AND relevant… The Count has joined a Gym!!!! How abt that…. So all of u who want to feast ur eyes upon the marvel physical specimen that The Count’s gonna build will have 2 wait for only a few months….. Vin Diesel, dude… u’ve got competition..
Tell u what.. the thing abt Gyms is tht it really makes u feel not wanted and outcast for a few starting weeks….. when u look at the vets there… u develop a complex…… but as a living proof to YIN & YANG… there r also many a fatassed people burning the treadmill who make u feel wonderful abt ur own meat…

And it seems tht people liked The Count’s prev. video… so here is another……. Frm the VAULT….. Its Iike superman & Elvis met up in a windy night in an 'ol barn in South India..... and well copulated..
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QlZFMnX0xxA

And oh.. yea… Latest update… we lost the cricket match…………. RIP Indian cricket……. May the devil prick ur bottom….

The Count knows tht the very idea of seeing ‘Our Team??’ clash out of the group stages makes a die heart fan’s buttocks clinch together so hard that u can shov a lump of coal up his….. and crap out a diamond…. But there r some positives out of it.. The Count will have u believed-
1. We can laugh and mock the stupid adverts made by pepsi…
2. We.. the great students of SRCC can now finally divert attention to impending exams… HOLY SHIT!!!! They r so near now… BYE BYE…. No time left ….gotta study…………..

Just a way to kill time.....

2007-03-14T03:26:00.000-07:00

A warm welcome to all the avid subjects frm the The Count….
The reason for the recent lack of blog updating by The Count is that the Univ exams are up and The Count’s household (or castlehold) is under the impression that The Count will study real hard and break all the existing records that there are in the Eco dept…………..
Of course the happening of this stuff with coincide with giant clowns dismantling Windsor Castle and eloping with Charles’s wife on flying pigs with fire wings….

O.K. enough of this…. The Count has little time in his hands… most of his day goes in trying to cram the whole year’s course and in figuring out the complexities of badminton…. Seriously… hitting the cock… ummmmm…. The shuttlecock with a precious movement is as good as watching a Ganguly sixer; but its execution is as tough as watching Dada ‘play’ a snoter frm a 150+ bowler….

Speaking of which…….. it’s the World Cup season guys…………
And The Count is sure tht MIBlue will get the cup… (He was also sure in 03 and 99…but the law of aveg wud work sometime!!)……….

And here’s a vid tht The Count found of youtube and acc to him is realllly funny… Its based on comics and he knows tht most of u wont get it but do have a look, it shows wat happens when due to cellphones theres only one phonebooth left in metropolis and Superman has to find a way in to change in his tights……. Watch the line abt Batman….

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uhwvw41uOus

Somehow this vid doenst come out in the fashion of other vid The Count saw...
hlp "bored blogger" how did u get ur vid all shiny and dicy?????

So……. The Count bids adieu to all with this line which he made while having a convo… wit a friend on cartoons and movies…

“Yelling "Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, Heart" will call Captain Planet. Adding "Badass" will make Vin Diesel appear instead !!!”- The Count…….

P.S. also havea look at the Count’s orkut vid…

Of Scores and results..........

2007-02-22T04:27:00.000-08:00

"Listen ye children, for u might fear
this story of marks in The Count's lear
the story aint pretty its filled with gore...
cause The Count does such things when his life becomes a bore"

Jan 17- Exams over... The Count is ecstatic and goes on a nightout with his friends...

Jan 19-21- The Count discovers the fab. site called e blogger and becomes a blogger...

Jan 22-Feb 15- Studies are lite in cllg, no huge pressure frm family, Count got a new ride, went out for late night parties..... also there was Feb 14.... now The Count doesn't have a Countess, but he damn sure enjoyed these few days of freedom and gay(as in happy) abandon...

Feb 16 onwards..... SHKRIIIIIINCH.............. CRAAAAAAASh..... The Count is forced to snap back to reality with a visit to the dread tute room of torcher, the room of hollow souls, the labyrinth of darkness, the POE tute room........ Its result time!!!!!!!!!!............

Exam results..... the only other substance then Garlic tht can force a great vampire like Count Sahaj to be reduced to a mere hummingbird.... Scores and The Count have'nt had the best of relations... in fact.... since waaaay back in time when The Count was a little vamp.. report card and answer sheets meant nothing but paperers full of red lines and crosses and embarrassing remarks...
Apart frm std 7th where The Count was 'persuaded' by Count Sr. with an iron rod... The Count never got a 90+ result in a non board class. His first try est with the all imp. holy grail.. Std 10th was also pretty whimpish but the happenings in 11th takes the cake or in The Count's case vintage blood....
The Count doesnt like maths... no trivial fact this... it so happened tht in std XI The Count advanced at a leisurely pace in his (bhah!) studies.... particularly maths... Here goes:-

TEST 1- The Count absented himself and so did half the class.... naturally the teach was furious and scheduled a retest in a week's time... The Count against his nature humbly requested and told the teach tht this is against school protocol which stated tht retest are to be taken along the midterm exams... but the mathsbeast had her own way.....

TEST 1 (Retest)- The Count had zero prep. and scored 5.5/20
'After' this banana of a score the mathsbeast understood her folly and told us tht under the school protocol we have to give the retest again now with the midterm exams......... OH! Joy!!! (pftttttt!!)

MIDTERM EXAM- The Count studied a bit and gave his all might...... and scored an imperial 28.5/100 .....

TEST 1 (Re-retest)- The Count was exhausted after the exam but still had a good feeling abt this... atleast now The Count had prepared..... or so he hoped.... In the re-retest The Count scored.............................. ZERO... yep 0/20.. So much for studyin...

TEST 2- Saving grace.... The Count finally managed to clear with a whooping 12.5/20

TEST 3- Owing to the last score The Count was in good spirits and the result showed it... 2.5/20

FINAL EXAM- Even after the prev. result.. The Count had'nt learned nothing.... and scored (seriously now gettin embarrassed of the word) 26.5/100....

FINAL EXAM (Re exam)- The school authorities were liberal and gave The Count another chance..... but he was deeply inspired by the Titanic captain and decided to sunk their belief..
got 28.5/100

The Mathsbeast was hopelessly tired and requested The Count to atleast muster a measly 30 in a re-re-exam and with a miraculous comeback story..... The Count finally got tht elusive figure....
CLAP! CLAP!!!!!

So now when The Count with the internal results, most of them barely cleared, looks at the past... he thinks tht things arent as bad and certainly they arent new for him....

The only diff is that now The Count is at SRCC, a place with loads of brains... toppers of their schools... toppers who might never have gotten a score below 85% their entire life..... toppers who now after getting a 67% or so (which incidentally is a helluva internal exam score by The Count's standards) feel dejected.... So now when The Count looks at the dried teas around him.... he is happy to know that he had felt it long time ago..... and its just a Deja vu to him.........

P.S. Happy Holi and peeps who want to know the ending of the little rendezvous The Count had with The Orange dude in the class..... It all amounted to nothing... not tht anyone is complaining....
All's end tht ends well...........

Bye for now.... And dont be down in dumps with ur cllg exam results.... there is always someone(read: The Count) scoring even less.... But dont worry... The Count promises the externals to be a muuuuuuuch better affair....

Meet the Coyboy.... the (Wo)mankind strikes back

2007-01-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

The Count is back and with him he has the the story of the century, with the veil been ripped of the greatest conspiracy never told or no one ever thought about.....

In the beginning there were blonde jokes...... then maybe we men didnt see it coming, but as we leered at successive generations of blondes/redheads and our very own Indian brunettes, women stole a march over us, zoomed up the ladder, shattered the glass ceiling and placed themselves in positions of power (look at how many editors, broadcasters, creative directors are women) and proceeded to create the male equivalent of the dumb blonde....

Behold...... the COYBOY...
u've seen him in ads... the one of Indica v2.. where the coyboy stands by the roadside wearing floral shorts and a daft expression......... and tells the girls to head for beach cafe....
or the matrimonial one where a woman actually barks orders such as "sit and "fetch" on a rather helpless looking, pliant husband.

If the first ad portrays men as mere sex objects, the second reduces them to household objects. Remember the old bromide about why brides wear white? Well, just so u know, tthe guy in the matrimonial ad was wearing wight, as for the girl, suffice to say she was wearing the PANTS..

Then there's the commercial which has become the butt of all male jokes... a guy breaks into a girl's hostel. He is not doing the guy thing and stealing a romantic rondevouz with his girl.... no sir, he is stealing, hold ur breath, a fairness cream ?????????????
But hang on.. it gets better as the commercial says tht really there aint no need for men to use women's fairness cream because men have their own whitener...... Oh Joy!!!!!
Next the 'dude' poses with 3 girls squealing "Hi handsome" with the change that its the guy who is standing there fluttering eyelashes........any hey, dont miss the mascara.

Its not just the portrayal. There seems to be a full blown conspiracy to reduce men to the space formerly occupied by simpering bimbettes.
The whole metrosexual gig could be one elaborate ploy manufactured by women in power to get us to wear pink shirts, shave our chest, colour our hair, get facial and generally do all the preening, pouting stuff that was the preserve of ladies...
But then again... we have only ourselves to blame......... for centuries we treated the fairer sex as doormats and suddenly like a Ramsey production horror movie the doormat got a life and revenge was on its top agenda..
Women couched it in the guise of inequality but willy nilly, the old inequality has been replaced with a new inequality....... and clearly we males drew the short straw. If the 80's were about Bachchan refusing to acknowledge Rekha and their alleged affair... the new millennium is abt Ash who does not admit to seeing Bachchan Jr. (yea The Count knows they re engaged now things werent so clear a month ago)

Moving on, on of the highlights of last year was Tom Cruise v/s gravity, not in MI3 but in Oprah's couch. Never mind that he is the world's biggest movie star and she's the TV host with on-off weigh problems. She played him and he merely played the fool.
And our ever hollywood-inspired bollywood cant be far behind... after decades of getting women to shed their cloths, lux roped in a man.... King Khan for its 75th anniversary... there he was, all smooth chest and smoother talk, his modesty covered by a few rose petals while 4 women spanning 2 generations dunk him in the tub..... glub! glub! alongside the male dignity.

The message is not loud, but is abundantly clear, gentlemen. Men are rapidly sinking. For now women are clearly on top.

P.S. the post is not meant to demean any female reader or womankind in general..... its just a casual observation by the ever observant Count and an acknowledge of the growing power of Women..........

Dhoom 2....... My eyes are still bleeding........

2007-01-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

By the all popular demand, The count has returned with his potshot on D:2, fated by some as the best thing to hit bollywood since 'Clevage kumari' Mallika Sherawat and Emran 'Kissme' Hashmi....

The Count has never wholeheartedly believed that movies adversely affect their viewers. D:2 has changed this belief-- This movie instills more violence into an otherwise kind soul than something purportedly wicked like Ekta Kapoor's soaps ever could, and it has the added bonus of actually being able to make its viewers substantially stupider.
In fact, after you watch D:2 -- assuming you're already stupid enough to do so,
-- you'll be able to look down on your lap and visibly gauge the weight of lost brain that has rolled off your shirt after tumbling out of your ears. The chunks of thinking matter will twitch and pray for mercy, as most suffering things usually do moments before death.

For the intellectual within each of us, D:2 could represent the first instance of tangible proof that black holes do exist. Such a life draining, light destroying void is this, The Count forced to surmise someone, somewhere must have made a concerted effort to create a movie so purposefully bad. Because of this deliberate attempt to fail so miserably, The Count must applaud.

Now on to the banana of a story.......
When Queen Elizabeth came to India and not only refused to apologize for Jallianwalah Bag, she defiled the memory of our freedom fighters and inflicted a resounding colonial slap on the face of the nation—a slap that had gone unanswered.

Till now.
Dhoom 2. A royal figure who looks suspiciously like Queen Elizabeth is in a train speeding through Namibia along with her crown, a priceless treasure that is being guarded by two of James Bond’s illegitimate sons. Hrithik Roshan, super thief, drops down from the sky like a piece of pigeon poo, magically gets into the train and then donning a mask (Mission Impossible style), transforms himself into Queen Elizabeth so perfectly that the guards willingly grant him/her access to the “crown jewels”. Through this plot device, the director Sanjay Gadhvi not-so-subtly suggests that Queen Elizabeth and Hrithik Roshan have identical torsos—thus casting doubt on the Queen’s femininity in the same way that she cast doubt on the magnitude of Jallianwalah Bagh.
Bravo.

Dhoom 2's strengths are the 'careful' characterization of its protagonists and the 'believability' of their actions. First, you have the master criminal Aryan played with clinical passion by Hrithik Roshan, who while not deflecting bullets with his skateboard and bungee-jumping over cliffs and playing basketball in the rain looking like a Hispanic homeboy, is busy computing the n-th term of a series which also includes a modulus operator (he plans his heist days according to a mathematical progression, y'see). Then there is Arya’s arch nemesis Abhishek Bachchan reprising his role as Jay Dixit, whose advancement in the police hierarchy is attested to by his multiple chins (sought to be concealed by a perennial stubble) and a few extra pounds. Also back from Dhoom, like a smelly fart that refuses to go away, is his partner, Ali played by Uday Chopra ostensibly to provide comic relief but in reality to remind everyone whose daddy is producing the movie.

And if u think that this was the end of ur misery, let The Count tell u, danger was far from over..
Screen play and direction are the biggest villains. Every scene was predictable…It is customary that heroes in Indian films will have an scene where they will walk towards the audience in slow motion (either alone or in the middle of the crowd) with background music, and they will give a glance to the left and then look straight. Here in this film Jr Roshan performs this ritual for some 4 or 5 times. The reuse of the stunt where he jumps of the cliffs and buildings is also a glitch to mention. He jumps of any high altitude place he sees. Wonder if he still has leftover powers of Krrissh.... u know wat, this cud have been a much better explanation for the over the top stunts.....

Abhishek has the same role wat Shashi Kapoor used to have in Bachchan sr. movies... important yes, but overshadowed

What the Count was really forward to in the movie was the liplock b/w Mr. A and Rai——an event of such importance that the movie could just as well have been called “Choom”. First of all, The Count wishes to congratulate Sanjay Gadhvi for getting Ash to kiss in an Indian movie: she had always had a no-chumma policy, a fact that was borne out by her controversial refusal to smooch Chandrachur Singh in “Josh”. Now we realize that Ash’s issue was not that she won’t kiss but that she won’t do it with Chandrachur Singh (also known in some circles as ‘Bhabiji’). Understandable.

Well The Count's verdict on the actual kiss, there is about as much passion in that kiss as a full-blooded male would exhibit if he had to exchange saliva with Queen Elizabeth today.

The Count's final take- Do not purchase D:2 cd. Do not rent it. Avert your eyes should it be demonstrated near you. And, if ever you meet a suicidal man, direct him to this article and assure him that things can always be worse.

And if still u watch this to gather more experience and see all that there is to see, a bogeyman will be summoned to destroy your family !!!

Moral Policing- IB does it again...

2007-01-18T02:32:00.000-08:00

Hola.. amigos/amigas, The Count has now discovered a new platform to blabber out.... dont have mucha exp in blogging and this is The Count's first production...
this is some of the serious posts... stay tuned for comic ones later.

Dont know how many of u have read/heard the latest miracle done by our IB ministry... but just to keep u in knowhow, they have banned AxN, a popular channel on the grounds that it was showing obscene shows that acc. to the 'powers that be' are too to detrimental to be seen by our 'virgin eyes'... and by our The Count means teens and adults of a 'democracy' whose population exceeds i billion and still sex is a taboo subject.... may be Indians have a different biology, but.... ummm... u never know.

The pro gramme in question here is 'Worlds sexiest commercials' which IMO is one hell of a show, no The Count is not a lecher when he says this, anyone who has seen it would say in unison wit The Count that the pro gramme is showing creative ads wit sexual imagery and tones... barely if ever showin skin more then that there is in MTV, music vids or the latest money grosser DHOOM 2 (watching which incidentally is murder and molestation of the human mind and its analytical ability- more on it later).

Moreover the show was being telecast at 23:oo which is quite acceptable by the laws.. wonder wht our moral inspectors were doing when BiGG Boss was showin almost the same skin and double meaning sentences right smack in the mid of prime time???cookies to 'nyone who guesses it..

Few days ago there was the matter of Gandhi video, now The Count respects Gandhi as much as the next guy, but still he has to say that we havent managed to learn how to laugh at our own self....
The Count is not supporting the video, its a mild comic relief to say the least but it is a poorly done satire...
not the idea but the content had poor execution.. Leaving that aside, how the govt handled it was even more lackluster... Our minister put the channels through the sword for showing the vids....
The Count means is it the pvt channel's fault that govt's own 'telecasting marvel of unmatched, unsurpassed excellence, The DOORDARSHAN' wasnt able to get to the vid first... Its a journalist's duty to inform the public abt the news not phone up the minister and do his job for him.

Getting back to the ban, a guy would watch anything if he wishes to.. banning it would be as effective as giving Jha sir a book titled '101 ways of sympathizing with students' .
What we need now is mutual understanding... education frm starting on birds and bees and an able minded minister who is not PRDasmunshi.... wonder when the high command would wake up and smell the coffee... rather then their own you know what................................
LATER.